On Father’s Day, I offer up a short tribute to my Papa (1947-2001), a short piece I originally began in response to NPR’s “This I Believe” call for essays.
One day, soon after my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, I placed a blank notebook in front of him. “Papa,” I said, “Do you want to write together?”
We sat down at the beige marble table in our dining room and wrote for 20 minutes. We used Claire Fontaine notebooks, made in France. Their smooth Gingham covers and blank pages, which I had discovered at a crammed West Village stationary shop soon after Papa’s diagnosis, ached to be pressed with a pen.
I began a fictional account of my grandfather’s first journey from India to Ghana in 1932. Papa about how he was rescued from a fire when he was an infant and me about my grandfather’s migration from India to Ghana in 1932. Afterwards, we read our words to each other.
In that half hour, I felt closer to my father than ever before.
I hoped Papa would initiate another writing session with me, but he did not. I kept filling up one Claire Fontaine notebook after another anyway. My words ran quickly across the lines, rubbing shoulders with big, fat tears. When they met on the page, they bled into each other—as if to let me know that it wasn’t what I was writing that mattered so much as the fact that I was writing at all. Each word that poured out of me was a breath—a wish, a prayer, an offering, a release.
My writing had become my life jacket. It was helping me float above the choppy currents surrounding my father’s inevitable decline.
After Papa passed away, I took on the mountainous task of sifting through the papers in his basement home office. There, I found unsent letters to former business partners, stacks of yellow legal pads filled with pages of poetically phrased to-do lists, and a few Claire Fontaine notebooks filled with an almost illegible scrawl. The first page read:
My dear daughter said writing my thoughts every morning is a good thing to do. It opens up the creative impulses in you … So I have started …
A detailed chronicle of my father’s struggle with his illness followed. I flipped to his last entry. Undated, it seemed to have been written a few weeks before he passed away:
It’s 5:30 pm but it’s already dark outside. Fall is here and winter not too far away. Seems the same way with my life. I am in the fall of my life and the winter seems to be around the corner. I wonder if it will be a short winter. …
Writing, I discovered, had also been my father’s buoy when his world seemed to be caving in on him, when he couldn’t breathe anymore.
I am my father’s daughter in more ways than one. Whenever a shadow falls upon my day, I imagine him reaching for his pen during the autumn of his life. That image inspires me to pull out my own notebook and get my pen moving. Writing, I know, will always be my savior and my friend.